A Visit with My Bestie

I recently flew halfway across the country to visit my childhood bestie, I’ll call her Healer Harlow, and celebrate her graduation from a doctoral program. We’ve made a concerted effort over the years to stay connected and visit each other regularly (we have a third friend to whom we’re also devoted who couldn’t make this reunion).

Best Friends

Healer Harlow’s partner threw her a graduation party, inviting all of her friends. This was a wonderful opportunity to put faces to the stories she tells me. One of her neighbors was the type of extrovert who is the life of the party. Healer Harlow introduced me to him as her best friend from middle school. The neighbor responded, “But I thought I was your best friend.” This then became the running joke of the party. Every time someone new arrived he’d ask, “Is Healer Harlow your best friend?” They’d inevitably answer in the affirmative, and the neighbor would act wounded that he wasn’t her one and only bestie.

There were a couple of discussions about what it meant to be and have a best friend. It has never bothered me that Healer Harlow has so many “best” friends because I am the same. I have what I think of as situational besties: my college best friend, my New Zealand best friend, my best mom friend, my Bunco bestie, and so on. All of these people are women with whom I was very close at one time and with whom I try my best to keep in touch. No matter how long I go without seeing them, as soon as I do, we are able to slip right back into our friendship. These are all women who see me and understand me (social).

Furthermore, I’ve always seen the trait that Healer Harlow makes everyone a close friend as one of her strengths. Not only does she make others feel heard and like they are in on the best jokes (social), she also makes people feel valued (esteem), like each person is the one person she’s been waiting to meet her whole life, like she is tickled by their very existence. She is a gift to the world, in my opinion.

As we parted ways at the end of my visit, touching on the running joke, Healer Harlow said, “Good-bye, the best of all my besties!”

Impostor Syndrome

The doctorate we were celebrating was the latest in a string of degrees that Healer Harlow has earned. At our 10 year high school reunion, she won an award for being the “most educated” as she had been continuously studying since we had left our secondary school. In the book I wrote, I included a chapter about “Getting Comfy with Discomfort” as a way to build confidence, and I thought I could get a few choice quotes from Healer Harlow on the subject. This, after all, is the person who in younger days took jobs as a cake decorator and phlebotomist (at separate times!), simply because the responsibilities of the jobs scared her.

However, when I sat down to interview my friend, she revealed her struggles with her self-esteem. When I pointed out her accomplishments, she said that she felt she had been fooling everyone. I was flabbergasted, not only that I’d known her well over half my life by that point and never suspected, but also that someone as intelligent and skilled as she could have any doubt in her own abilities. Unfortunately, that inner voice can be a stubbornly harsh critic.

On this most recent visit, it was like I was talking to a completely different person. The scope of her plans and other more general statements revealed the confidence with which she is now operating. It was so exciting for me to see the results of her evolution! When I remarked on it and asked how she’d overcome her impostor syndrome, she said what finally silenced that derogatory inner critic was a conversation with her mentor that helped her see her qualifications in a different light. I am certain that others (like myself) had had similar conversations with her, but sometimes all it takes is the right words from the right person on the right day for a fresh perspective to click into place.

So if you, too, struggle with impostor syndrome, I am certain that your continued efforts to build your confidence are not wasted. It may just take more time for some than others.

Burnout

I hadn’t realized until after my trip that I was suffering burnout leading up to it. I happened to stumble across an article that outlined the symptoms. My two worst have been irritability and fatigue, and I felt like I was mentally checked out almost a full week before my trip. I don’t work outside the home and this project, and I don’t keep regular business hours, so I would never have come up with that label to describe my condition on my own. However, I am caring for a senior dog (a surprising load), my daughter continues to require almost constant attention, and, believe it or not, I do feel a certain amount of outside pressure to make some progress on this happiness project (I’m still not sure to what end, but perhaps I’ll learn why in time). I don’t really stop “working” except when I sleep.

In any case, label or not, I did understand that I was ready for a break when my trip rolled around, and for once I did take some time off. I let myself not think about anyone else’s needs or Understanding Happiness for several wonderfully restful days. The article I came across prompted some reflection on how to avoid burnout in the future. I still don’t have any good answers, but I’m considering what of my schedule and responsibilities I can offload. Unfortunately, the activities that I can most afford to leave behind are the ones that I most enjoy (social activities!). I spend so much time on my social needs that surely I’ve well and truly topped off that bucket. I probably don’t need my book clubs and bunco groups, but I don’t know if shedding my fun activities is really the way to beat burnout. It’s a conundrum!

Thoughts?

Let me know your thoughts: do you have many best friends or just one (and think it’s sacrilege to say otherwise!)? Are you (or have you in the past) struggling with impostor syndrome? If so, what steps are you taking to manage it? What tips would you give me for minimizing or dealing with burnout?