Visiting the Spouse’s Family without the Spouse?

I am a planner. Planning events ahead of time allows me to set expectations for both myself and those around me. It generally takes a catastrophe to alter my plans—I do my best to ensure the outcome at least matches expectations. However, my spouse Mr. Transportation has a wacky work schedule that makes it difficult to plan anything. He submits his preferences for his schedule, and then he finds out mid-month his schedule for the following month. Often they just list him as on-call until they have a flight contracted or because he's a backup for someone else. It might look like he's going to be home (e.g. to pick up our daughter), and then he'll get a last-minute call that he has to be on a flight in a few hours. It's a little maddening.

Since I am a planner, we've learned that the best compromise for us is that I will carry on with my plans, and he may or may not be around to go along with them. We love having him when he's present, but we'll make our own fun if he's not.

My father-in-law's family are mostly farmers in NW Kansas. When we visit the uncle and cousins for weddings and graduations, they always tell us that we need to come out for fair week. We want Pumpkin to know all of her family, so this year Mr. Transportation and I planned for the three of us to make the trip up to attend the county fair. And wouldn't you know it? Mr. Transportation was put on the work schedule for the week of the fair.

Well. That threw a wrench in the plans. I wondered it this should be the one time I cancel my plans because this was a new experience for us. I asked Mr. Transportation how he felt about us going to visit his extended family without him. He answered that he was fine with it. He has fond memories of his visits to NW Kansas as a kid, and he wants his daughter to have some of the same opportunities.

One factor for consideration was that Mr. Transportation's cousin and his wife had offered to let us stay with them at their house. Almost always if a family member offers to host us, I jump at the offer. If I am traveling to see them, I want to see as much of them as possible (plus, I feel like you learn more about people when you see them in their element). I let them know that Mr. Transportation had to work, but they assured me that the invitation to stay at their house stood.

Then I sought input from my friends, asking them, "Do you think it's weird that I'm going to visit Mr. Transportation's extended family without him?" They all said yes. "It's probably not weird for the cousins to still offer their house, but it's weird to take them up on it." Hmm.

I pondered and pondered. Oddly enough, the thought of staying with the cousins and seeing all of Mr. Transportation's family without him didn't feel weird to me. Eliminating the fact that they are his, this is the sort of thing I do all the time. I lived with my college roommate's mother for a time and ended up going to their family functions whether my friend was present or not. I have spent a lot of time "camping" with my cousin's husband's family. While it's always been with my cousin present, I feel like I've gotten to know her in-laws well enough that if I happened to be passing through their town and they offered to host me (and they are the type of people who would), I'd accept their offer in a heartbeat.

This acquired kinship goes both ways: I feel like I've been adopted by other families and my family also adopts people. My high school bestie has been welcomed into my extended family, so she came out to pay her respects at Grandpa Tony's celebration of life. When she learned my aunt and uncle were planning on traveling her way, she offered to host them at her house. They sounded like they might take her up on it (and they are the type of people who would). Likewise, I can think of a number of examples of my family members acting on minor-relative connections: my dad's sister visiting my mom's sister, my uncle traveling with my sister-in-law's family for a concert, and so on. So to me, the idea of visiting non-blood relatives doesn't seem abnormal.

The other half of it is that Mr. Transportation's family has always embraced me. I keep in touch with seven women in this branch of the family, and of the eight of us (me, included), only three are blood relatives, which indicates they welcome outsiders. When I visit a town where I know people, I'll let everyone know I'm coming. Sometimes the people I contact do not have room for me in their schedules. That's ok, perhaps I'll catch them next time. Of the seven women, one was out of town the week of our visit, and the other six essentially said, "We can't wait to see you and Pumpkin!" They make us feel like we belong (social), and they are so warm in their acceptance, we are made to feel comfortable (safety) and valued (esteem).

In the end, I decided to lean into my weirdness and carry on with our plans. I'm so glad I did. Pumpkin and I had a blast! Our week was a great mix of catching up with family and having adventures (growth). I also feel like we've strengthened our bonds with Mr. Transportation and his dad (whom we adore) because we now know the people they love a little better (social).

What do you think? Are you the type to visit your spouse's relatives without them or not? Have you been adopted by a friend's or relative's family or have you adopted an outsider into your own family? I'd love to hear about it.

Pumpkin watching a family member compete in the rodeo at the fair.