Wrestling with Sickness and Attitude

One of my book clubs recently chose Leanne Morgan’s memoir What in the World?! for our monthly discussion. The book was delightful and introduced me to a gem of a comedienne. In one of her specials, she had this bit about her teenage daughter: “We’re scared to death of her.” To me, this is hysterically funny because I feel like we’ve all known or been that hormone-fueled teenage girl who can turn on a dime and be the meanest person with whom you’ve ever crossed paths.

However, I’m relating extra hard to this bit because my 5 year-old daughter Pumpkin was recently sick, and when she gets sick, she gets mean. Lucky me, she saves up her frustration with her illness and “spews it all out onto me.” I’ll say, “Can I get you some ice to soothe your sore throat?” She’ll bite out, “No, mom, I told you I don’t want any ice!” And then I’ll swing by a few minutes later, and she'll be pulling ice out of her dad’s water glass to suck on while laughing at a joke he just made.

So here’s where my theories on the Six Needs and Four Stages of an Event cause a conundrum. On the one hand, I understand that my daughter is struggling when she’s sick. Firstly, she has an expectation of wellness because, for the most part, she is a healthy, happy little 5 year old, and that expectation is clearly going unmet. When you’re sick, your physiological needs are obviously suffering, sometimes in multiple ways (in her case, fever, sore throat, sleeplessness). Some people (Pumpkin and myself, included) have difficulty imagining a future beyond the illness and become mired in despair (autonomy) when they’re sick. We also had to cancel plans for a friend’s visit when Pumpkin developed a fever, and she later missed her first day of school, which left her with an acute feeling of isolation (social).

With all of the above, I understand that Pumpkin is miserable, and she takes it out on me because she feels safe with me (safety). She knows in the core of her being that I’ll love her no matter how rotten she acts. But on the other hand, I want to teach her how to build healthy relationships (social), and a big part of a healthy relationship is always treating the other person with respect (esteem) even when you are angry or upset. I also want to model self-respect (esteem) through the setting of boundaries (not allowing others to treat one as a punching bag). Of course, the minute I tried to enforce the boundary and scolded Pumpkin for the way she was speaking to me, she broke down in tears: “You don’t love me anymore!” Well, so much for safety!

It’s a tough line to walk, but I feel so strongly about teaching her about healthy relationships that I’ll keep trying to walk it. Have you ever nursed someone who was sick and mean? How did you handle it? Do you have advice for me for handling Pumpkin’s future illnesses?