Talking with Strangers
I recently read The Wedding People by Alison Espach. I really enjoyed the story, and it was another good case study of a person who is depressed because their Six Needs are not being properly met. I'd love for you to read it with the Right Hand of Long-Term Happiness in mind and evaluate it for where Phoebe is struggling with her needs. However, what I want to talk about today is just one small aspect of the story. This post is actually inspired by Espach's Acknowledgments at the back of the book.
Occasionally an author will provide a very boring list of the people who contributed to the book, but often the Acknowledgments provide interesting backstory as to how the book got published. I love vicariously experiencing the author's gratitude (reflection), and sometimes we are given the opportunity to see a bit more of the author's personality, as is the case with this gem in Espach's note:
To the strangers I've met over the years—the people who bought me nachos and made me laugh while stranded at an airport, the ones in coffee shops who asked me what I was working on, the ones on trains and planes who exchanged life stories with me when they could have just pretended that I didn't exist. You all helped me feel like a person during moments when I least felt like a person. You told me stories that reminded me about the many ways a person can live a good life, about how to start over, about how to make it through that impossible thing. I've never known how to express my gratitude to people I'll never see again, except maybe in this way. Consider this book a very long thank-you letter for saying hello.
I'm not going to lie, I teared up reading Espach's Acknowledgments. It reminded me of the Small Talk Saves Lives campaign in the UK. Noticing that railway suicide attempts were increasing (in 2023/24, they documented almost 2,000 attempts of suicide-by-railway (eep!)), Network Rail joined forces with other organizations in an attempt to turn that trend around. They instituted a number of programs, but the one that caught my interest is the Samaritans' Small Talk Saves Lives campaign, which encouraged all railway riders to take even a minor interest in their fellow passengers and especially interact when they notice someone who seems down.
In a 2016 review of rail suicides, which included interviews with those who'd attempted suicide, Samaritans found: "People… talked about the railways as being places that were easily accessible, quite impersonal and remote, and where they felt unlikely to be interrupted. We also analysed CCTV footage to see if there were any patterns of behaviour prior to a suicide on the railways and we saw that people weren’t interacting with others much and in all but one case they’d all been at a train station, sometimes switching platforms or station hopping, for quite some time. It showed there were lots of opportunities for intervention."
In The Wedding People, this is in fact how (spoiler alert!) Lila intervened in Phoebe's suicide plans. She simply started talking to her, and even when Phoebe was so narrowly focused on her own pain and plans, Lila's own self-absorption somehow shook her loose from thoughts of ending it all.
So many people want to believe that our social needs can be met with only a few close contacts—immediate family, a small circle of colleagues, or a cherished group of friends, to name a few. We have a number of reasons for doubling down on a few quality relationships. For some, strangers represent danger because we were taught as children and continue to teach our children to never talk to strangers (safety). For others, there’s the intimidation factor: we feel uncomfortable or foolish striking up a conversation with a random person, and what if they should reject us (esteem)? For still others, it’s a matter of time and feeling like any efforts with strangers are wasted because we’re already spread thin as it is (autonomy, growth, social).
However, there are many good reasons to branch out and widen your community both with temporary connections where you talk to a stranger in passing and more regular contact with casual acquaintances, such as a monthly crafting or gaming group at your library.
If you feel warm fuzzies after a positive social interaction, you may be getting a hit of dopamine and/or oxytocin (physiological). These moments also help build confidence for future interactions with people you don’t know well or at all (esteem).
Psychologists have discovered the importance of these weak ties to our social belongingness, and this lesson was reinforced during the pandemic, during which people might have made regular contact with their tiny social bubble but felt intense longing for more casual social interactions. Even with strong social support from a small group, people identified in themselves a feeling of loneliness. (social)
We are rich and complex people, and our social and belongingness needs require that we feel seen and understood. It’s possible that with a small group of deep connections, there might still be some aspect of your personality that may go unseen or possibly overlooked (perhaps taken for granted) by your inner circle. This was certainly true for Phoebe whose smarts were overlooked by her academic circle and recognized and admired by Lila’s wedding people. (social, esteem)
Espach refers to the fact that the anecdotes shared by the strangers she encountered inspired her (growth) and gave her hope (autonomy). By sticking to a small group of people, you may be missing out on a viewpoint or story that can alter your perspective, inspire your creativity, or otherwise change your trajectory.
Similar to putting all of your eggs in one basket, the loss of a relationship when you only have a few close ties to begin with can be felt as a crippling outcome. Maintaining regular social interactions outside our inner circle can serve to remind us that others can eventually help fill the void should we suffer the loss of a close friend or family member. (social)
Are you in the habit of talking to strangers? Why or why not?
Notes:
I’m pretty sure I first learned of Small Talk Saves Lives from a podcast, which led me to an article about the program.