The Power of Praise: How Recognizing Strengths Nurtures Growth in Children
I have a friend (Ms. Warmhearted) who has two kids, one of whom is a 5 year old girl my daughter and I both adore. I’ll call her Merida. We also adore Merida’s brother, but he’s not pertinent to this particular story. One recent afternoon Ms. Warmhearted messaged saying they were in our neighborhood, and we agreed to meet at a nearby playground. Pumpkin and I arrived first. As soon as her mom parked, Merida came barreling toward us. She promptly tripped on uneven sidewalk and went sprawling with scrapes all up one side of her body. We quickly ushered our friends back to our house and first aid kit so that Ms. Warmhearted, with Pumpkin’s exuberant assistance, could tend to Merida’s injuries.
All patched up, Merida joined Pumpkin for a few minutes of play before our guests had to leave. Ms. Warmhearted and I were standing at the door saying our final words (which, knowing us, probably amounted to an extended conversation). At one point I glanced down and was astonished to find my dog Pluto on his back with Merida giving him a belly rub. Pluto is a wary, shy dog, who will usually run and hide the minute a child starts paying any attention to him. I expressed my awe: “Merida, I cannot believe you’ve gotten Pluto to trust you well enough that he’ll let you pet him! He rarely allows anyone outside our family to get near him.”
A week later, we met up with our friends again, and Ms. Warmhearted mentioned that Merida had brought up her success befriending Pluto several times. I know from previous stories and conversations that Merida loves animals, and Ms. Warmhearted revealed to me that her husband, Merida’s father, is known for his special rapport with animals. I think it meant something to Merida that someone outside of her family recognized a quality in her that could be important to her.
Meanwhile, the day after Merida’s injury, Ms. Warmhearted sent me a text message praising Pumpkin for her nursing skills. Apparently Pumpkin had done her best to soothe Merida’s hurt by sharing her own recent experience kissing pavement. I happened to miss Pumpkin’s contributions because I was hunting down first aid supplies and trying to corral the dogs, so I was grateful to read my friend’s observations. At age 5 a child can go either way—help or hindrance—depending on the day. I shared my friend’s compliments with Pumpkin, and she asked me to re-read the text a couple of times so that she might savor the positive feedback.
Consequently, I injured myself a few days later at a children’s petting zoo (it’s a funny story now that I’ve mostly recovered and can laugh about the idiotic things I do… perhaps it’ll be my next blog post). My daughter very tenderly patched up a cut on my wrist with some Neosporin and Band-Aids, and I wondered how much Ms. Warmhearted’s recent praise influenced her actions.
All our lives we need to be assured of our value to the world: to our families, to our communities, and beyond. These are our esteem needs. However, children are in a bit of a challenging position because they are blank slates and still need to figure out what form that value will take.* Feedback from others is always important—it helps us clarify our strengths and weaknesses. Coming from the right person, that feedback might also spark or help cultivate an interest (growth).
Lately I’ve been considering what an honor it is to impact the next generation and help them with their esteem/growth; not necessarily my honor, but those of nannies, teachers, coaches, youth ministers, and so on. It’s clear when they get what an honor it is, and I appreciate those who have had a positive influence on my daughter’s early childhood. But I also have been fondly remembering my favorite teachers, coaches, aunts and uncles, family friends, and mentors. Can you think of a time when someone gave you positive/negative feedback that set you on a particular course? With distance, do you think their feedback was accurate? Are you happy or regretful for the course you took?
*Do not fret if you’re an adult and still haven’t figured out what form that value will take! I firmly believe there is greatness in you, too. It just takes some of us longer to realize it than others.